STRAYCAT’S DOGGONE BLOG

JANUARY 2005

1/1/5 (Sunday):
After spending a raucous New Years Eve in scenic Fort Bridger, WY watching snow-flakes accumulate on my windshield and playing with my computer, I went to bed shortly after midnight after wishing the doggies a HAPPY NEW YEAR and giving them a couple of “snausages”.
I departed at 10:00AM and drove to Salt Lake City for fuel. As it turns out, I should have also called the Customer to see if they were really going to be working today. Anyway, I left Salt Lake at about 2:00PM and drove the 56 miles to Payson to make the delivery. I arrived at 3:00PM and the place was locked up tight. The ‘delivery window’ was today from 3:00PM to 7:00PM. I called the DM du jour and told him the situation. He said to give them an hour then call him back. I did so, and this time he said to walk around the building in search of an emergency phone # or other information that would help us contact them, as the only contact # we had put us into the omnific ‘voice mail’ system which led nowhere. After I did that to no avail, the decision was made to bring the load back to Salt Lake and T-call it.
The Planner then found a load for me that was pre-loaded at the Customer and delivered in Phoenix, AZ on the 3rd (0 miles empty and 646 miles loaded). I made arrangements to T-call it at our ‘drop yard’ in Henderson and take some time off in Las Vegas (which dropped the loaded miles to 424). The route was UT-201E to I-215S to I-15S through Utah, Arizona, and into Nevada to Las Vegas, then I-515S to US-95S to our Drop Yard in Henderson (which should really be Boulder City as it’s closer to the Drop Yard than Henderson by about 5 miles). Anyway, I dropped the load in Henderson at Noon on the 2nd. Home at last, home at last!!

1/4/5 (Tuesday):
It rained all over most of my weekend, so mostly I just sat in the Flying J truckstop and played with the computer. There are a lot of idiots in Vegas, and they all tend to get in their cars and drive when it rains. I don’t think there is any safe place here when it snows. Fortunately, that seldom happens. I did venture out to the Palace Station Casino for dinner on Sunday night. It, oddly enough, has the best Chinese food that I have found in Las Vegas.
The Planner found an excellent load for me. It picks up right here in Vegas this afternoon and delivers Monday AM (the 10th) in Teterboro, NJ (12 miles empty and 2506 miles loaed). A good way to start of my week. The route will be I-15S to I-215W to the Shippper. After I pick up the load The route will be I-215E to I-15N through Nevada, Arizona, and into Utah. At MM-135, i’ll connect with I-70E. I’ll stay on I-70 through Utah and into Colorado to Denver. At Denver i’ll connect with I-76E through Colorado. Just past the Nebraska state line, i’ll connect with I-80E. I’ll stay on I-80E for the rest of the trip through Nebraska, Iowa, Illinois, Indiana, Ohio, Pennsylvania and into New Jersey. The Consignee is just off of I-80 at MM-65.
I left Vegas at 3:30PM. When I got to Cedar City, UT, the rain became snow. I stopped in Richfield, UT for a break, and am debating whether to go any further. There is a 110 mile stretch of road between Salina, UT and Green River, UT with absolutely nothing except hills in between.

1/14/5 (Friday):
I decided to proceed across the ‘baron wasteland’ and drove to a Rest Area at MM-181 (just a mile from the Moab exit). I arrived at 12:30AM and stayed the night there. I only drove 400 miles today, but I had a late start.
I left at 10:30AM on the 5th. I drove to Glenwood Springs, CO where I took a break. I left there at 3:00PM and drove to Denver, CO. At Vail, CO the D.O.T. had the ‘chain law’ in effect for trucks, so I had to install my tire chains. This seemed ridiculous, since the roads were plowed, salted, and virtually dry. I tore up 2 chains because of running them on the dry pavement. Thanks a lot Colorado D.O.T., you cost me 1.5 hours to chain up and $100.00 for 2 new chains. I arrived in Denver at about 7:30PM. I stayed the night there. I only drove 350 miles, but I had had enough of the snow for the day.
On the 6th, I left Denver at 10:30AM and drove to Des Moines, IA (650 miles). The roads were in good shape except for a couple if icy spots between Lincoln and Omaha, NE. I arrived in Des Moines at 11:30PM and went to bed.
On the 7th, I left Des Moines at 9:30AM. I stopped in Walcott, IA at the Iowa-80 Truckstop. It is the largest truckstop in America.

They have a Truckers’ Toy Store there that makes me drool uncontrollably every time I go there.


Notice the antique truck behind the display case in the above lower right picture. It’s also used to display merchandise.


They also have an excellent restaurant. I usually get the pork fritter with apple cobler for desert.

Yours truly above lower right. The waitress snapped the photo.
The doggies had fun playing in the snow in a vacant field adjacent to the truckstop.

My “baby” needs a bath. Daddy abused her by driving in all that snow.

I left at 3:30PM and drove into Ohio on the Turnpike. I stopped at the first Service Plaza (Tiffin River) and went to bed. I drove 498 miles.
On the 8th, I drove to Columbia, NJ. I stopped at the TA Truckstop there. I had a day and a half to kill because I was only 60 miles from my destination on Monday and there is no place closer to park safely. I wanted to play on the internet, but the system was completely down for the entire weekend due to a power outage the previous day. I was disappointed, but I spent the weekend editing picture and music files. I drove 531 miles. I spent $39.00 on tolls going through Illinois, Indiana and Ohio.
On the 10th, I left Columbia and drove to the Consignee in Teterboro I arrived there at 8:15AM. After being unloaded, the Planner gave me a load from Middletown, NY to Elkton, VA (55 miles empty and 357 miles loaded). As I approached the Toll Booth in New York, I realized that I did not have current a New York Highway Use Tax Permit (HUT). It is required if you drive anywhere in New York in a Commercial Vehicle. They are not hard to get, but you are supposed to have it before you enter the state. I “sweated bullets” until I got to the Shipper in Middletown about 15 miles away. I only saw 1 State Patrolman and he was ‘busy’ with a 4-wheler. WHEW!! I then asked them (the customer) if I could have the Permit faxed to me there. They concented, thankfully. I called our Permits Department and began the process. I MIGHT have been able to “sneak” out of the State without it (I had less than 20 miles of Interstate to drive before the PA border), but it’s a Huge fine if your caught. Why risk it for a $5.00 temporary 30 day Permit. I left Middletown at 12:30PM (with Permit) and drove to Harrisonburg, VA about 10 miles from my destination. I stopped there for the night. I drove 486 miles.
Today, the 11th, I drove to Elkton and delivered my load. The Planners gave me a load that picked up in Baltimore and delivered in Frankfort, KY. It was a short run, but freight was ’slow’ and it was the best thing available. When my DM tried to dispatch to me, she discovered that it was already dispatched on another truck, so they pulled that load off of me and gave me another load that picked up in the same place in Baltimore, but went to Sussex, WI (153 miles empty and 788 miles loaded). I arrived at the Shipper at 2:00PM (a half hour before the appointment time). I was sent to a ’satellite’ dock a block away to load. After an hour wait, the loaders came out and gave all of us who were waiting a dock ( there were about 10 of us). They had us ’snug-up’ as close as possible.


After I had sat in the dock for an hour, the loader came out and told me that he couldn’t find my load. GREAT, I could see it coming. A half an hour later he told me that he had found my load in yet another warehouse, so off I went again. When I arrived there, of course, I was on the bottom of the list. Another hour later, the loader came out and gave me a door. In the meantime, my ‘14 hour’ clock is ticking away. At this point, I had only 2 hours remaining before I had to take 10 hours off. I sat there for an hour and then called my DM and told them the problem. I then went to the dock and informed the loader of my situation as well. They, with typical East Coast Attitude, didn’t seem to be too worried about it. I was FUMING at this point. At 8:00PM, they finally got around to loading me. It was only 4 rolls of newsprint paper, so it only took 15 minutes to load. (15 minutes before my 14 hours was expired). By the time the paperwork was done, I was completely out of hours. I had to spend the night in a ‘turn-out’ just outside their facility. I was SEETHING by now because instead of being able to drive out of Baltimore and getting a start on the trip, I would still be there in the AM and would have to fight my way through the ubiquitous traffic. Also, instead of being at the shipper first thing on the 13th , I would have to drive 200 miles to get there (through Chicago at that). Needless to say the Port of Baltimore is now on my ’shit list’. I’ll automatically turn down any load that picks up or delivers there in the future. 6 hours to load 4 rolls of paper. If all truck drivers had the same attitude as the “union goons” that work there, every store shelf in America would be empty. I drove a whopping 190 miles.
On the 12th, I left Baltimore (with pleasure) at 8:00AM and drove to South Bend, IN. I arrived at 9:00PM and went to bed. I drove 641 miles.
I left South Bend at 7:00AM on the 13th in a light rain and drove to Sussex, WI. As I was entering Chicago, the rain turned to snow. I only have 8 hours to drive today because of the 70-hour rule. After delivering the load from Baltimore and waiting for the Planner to find a load for me, I left Sussex at 2:00PM. The load that the Planner found for me picked up in Manitowoc, WI and delivered in Augusta, WI (86 miles empty and 201 miles loaded). I arrived at the Shipper at 4:30PM. When I arrived there, I was told by the Shipping Clerk that the load was not even scheduled to be manufactured until tomorrow at 10:30AM for a Monday shipment. I called my DM and told her the good news. After verifying the information, she pulled the load off of me. At that point, I told her to set my PTA for tomorrow AM. I’d had enough and had only 2 hours available anyway at this point. I’m tired of non-existant loads and loads that load 6 hours late. I’m tired of the SNOW and the COLD. Nanuk of the North, I’m not. I went to the truckstop and went to bed. I drove 268 miles and spent $63.70 in Tolls for the trip to Sussex.
Today, the 14th, I awoke at 7:00AM to a temperature of 0 degrees. Last night in South Bend, it was a balmy 42 degrees. The Planner found a load for me that picks up in Manitowoc, WI (again) and delivers in Laredo, TX (86 miles empty and 1501 miles loaded). YEAH!! SOON, I’LL BE WARM. The doggies don’t like the cold anymore than I do. It freezes their little ‘feetsies’. I arrived at the Shipper at 10:00AM. Believe it or not, the load actually exists and was loaded promptly. I was astonished. I left Manitowoc at 11:00AM.

1/16/5 (Sunday):
The route from Manitowoc, WI to Laredo was I-43S to I-39S to I-55S to I-44W to US-69S to US-75S to I-20W to I-35S to Laredo. After leaving Manitowoc, I drove to Sullivan, MO. I stopped for the night. Along the way, I took a break in Bloomington, IL to catch up on e-mail. I drove 503 miles.
Saturday, the 15th, I left Sullivan at Noon and drove to Lancaster (Dallas), TX arriving about 11:00PM. I stopped in Joplin, MO for fuel and food. I drove 589 miles.
Today, the 16th, I left Lancaster at 12:30PM and drove to Waco, where I am currently. I won’t have internet access until after I leave Laredo so i’m catching up on everything now. I may stop once more in San Antonio for 1 last e-mail check before going on to Laredo. I should arrive in Laredo between 8:00 and 9:00PM tonight. I haven’t seen any Branch Davidians around, so I guess Janet Reno did her job well. :>}

1/22/5 (Saturday):
On the 17th, I delivered the load to Laredo, then took the rest of the day off. I got my truck washed and did some shopping. I bought some new shirts and pants.
Tuesday, the 18th, I got a load from Pharr, TX to Rialto, CA (146 miles empty and 1462 miles loaded). Since I washed my truck yesterday, of course it’s raining. The loads don’t come out in Laredo until after 2:00PM, so I got a late start. I left Laredo at 4:30PM, and arrived in Pharr at 7:30PM. The place where I picked up was a ‘drop lot’ and was a MUDHOLE. I had to engage both my drive axles to maintain traction. My poor ‘baby’ is filthy again. I left Pharr at 8:30PM and drove back to Laredo where I stopped for the night. I arrived at 11:30PM.
The next morning, I scaled my load. I had to make some adjustments then scaled again. I was legal this time. I then fueled and departed Laredo at 9:30AM. I stopped at the Pecos River Overlook on US-90 between Del Rio and Langtry, TX.

I thought that the cactus was interesting. The river is up quite a bit from the last time I stopped here 3 years ago. After leaving the overlook, I drove to El Paso and stopped for the night. I arrived at 8:30PM and drove 566 miles.
On the 20th, I left El Paso at 10:00AM. When I stopped in Phoenix it was just getting dark. As I was preparing to leave, I noticed that my batteries were discharged, so I entered the fuel island and inspected my truck. I discovered that I had a broken Alternator belt so I had to put my truck in the Shop. I had to get a jump-start to exit the fuel island and drive over to the Shop. I was in the Shop until 3:00AM. They had to replace the broken belt, all four batteries. an EGR Valve, and my A/C Compressor and re-charge the A/C system. The bearings in the Compressor had seized and caused the belt to break. The belt also controlled the Alternator so it stopped charging the batteries and caused them to discharge to the point that they had to be replaced. They were original equipment, so I guess it’s OK. I only managed to drive 425 miles.
On Friday, the 21st, I left Phoenix at 12:30PM. I drove to Rialto and delivered the load. On the way there, I called my brother who was RVing in Quartzsite at some sort of RV O’ Rama. I did not have time to stop and visit him because of the maintenance delays in Phoenix. The Planners then found me a load in the Fontana Terminal that I could deliver in Henderson, NV ASAP. I departed Fontana at 9:30PM and delivered the load in Henderson at 2:00AM. I then drove to Las Vegas for some much needed time off.
Today, the 22nd, I went car shopping. I found a real nice 1995 Jeep Cherokee. (ref: Car Shopping post on this BLOG).

1/26/5 (Wednesday):
These last few days have been days of change. The first change was of course buying the car. I also changed my phone to a Sanyo 8200 Camera Phone and changed my wireless service from CINGULAR (formerly AT&T) to SPRINT and changed my phone number. While I was at it, I changed my address from Mesquite, NV to Las Vegas, NV.
I can’t say exactly what prompted all these changes, but they were long overdue (procrastination is one of my strong suits). None of these changes will affect my life drastically except for purchasing the car which will greatly enhance my “quality of life” during my time at home. No more bob-tailing the truck all over Las Vegas. Also, I can take some “day trips” to sites and attractions in and around Vegas (ie: Valley of Fire, Lake Mead, and Mount Charleston, etc.).
The Planner found a load for me this AM from North Las Vegas, NV to Tracy, CA (14 miles empty and 519 loaded). The route will be I-15N to North Las Vegas. After loading, the route will be I-15S to CA-58W to I-5N to I-205W to Tracy. It is raining and has been all morning. In fact, the National Weather Service here in Las Vegas issued a “severe weather alert” this AM for potential flooding of some of the streets and highways as water accumulates in the inadequate sewer system here. They forcast rain at a rate of almost 1/4 in. per hour until noon. The rain slacked off about noon and I left Vegas. I drove to Santa Nella, CA and stopped for the night. I drove 460 miles.

1/27/5 (Thursday):
Today has been a day of leisure. I awoke at 8:00AM. My load doesn’t deliver until 10:30PM in Tracy, which is less than an hour away. I’ll leave here about 9:00PM. There is a good restaurant here in Santa Nella ( Pea Soup Anderson’s Restaurant). As the name implies, they are famous for their split-pea soup. They are now a chain of 3 restaurants. The original is in Buellton, CA. There is another somewhere down in San Diego area and this one. The family that opened the original sold out to a corporation in ther late 70’s, but the quality suffered only slightly. There seem to be less chunks of peas in the soup now, but they did maintain the integrity of the seasonings. All in all, still a good place to eat. It brings back memories. It is nice to re-visit the past from time to time. As a youth, I remember eating at the original restaurtant in Buellton on a family trip. The Standard Oil Company (now BP) used to give away scenic landscape photographs from all over America with the purchase of gasoline. Evidently, they were all numbered and/or dated. My father collected these, and from time to time the family would go off on an excursion “in search of” the photographs that my dad needed to complete his collection. It was on one of these excursions that we stopped to eat at the original Pea Soup Anderson’s Restaurant. I don’t know what became of his collection after he died in 1980.

Next time i’ll try to take pictures in the daylight.

I arrived at the Consignee at 10:15PM for my 10:30PM appointment. Just as I arrived it started to rain. I waited for over 2 hours before I finally got backed into a door. About 3.5 hours later, I was finally empty.

1/28/5 (Friday):
After finally getting empty in the ‘wee hours’ this AM, the Planner gave me a load from Woodland, CA to London, OH (89 miles empty and 2308 miles loaded). I accepted the load and went to bed at about 5:00AM after driving to our terminal in Lathrop, CA and feuling. I awoke at 2:00PM and left for Woodland about 4:00PM. The route was I-5N. After picking up the load, I drove to Sacremento for dinner at the 49′er Truckstop. It was still raining at this time, so I decided to call it a day and get my bio-rhythms back in sync. Besides, I didn’t want to tackle Donner Pass at night in the inevitable BLIZZARD. If it’s raining in Sacremento this time of year, it’s snowing up on Donner and the Chain Law will be in effect for trucks.

1/29/5 (Saturday):
I awoke this AM to sunshine. The route for this trip will be I-80E through California, Nevada, Utah, Wyoming, Nebraska, and Iowa to Davenport, IA. There I take I-74E through Illinois and into Indiana to Indianapolis. There, I pick up I-70 E. through the rest of Indiana and into Ohio to London (Columbus). I had a nice breakfast and departed Sacremento at about 9:00AM.
When I got to the Donner Summit Rest Area, I took these pictures.

New feature for photographs from this point on: Click on image for full size photo.

About 2 miles farther down the road I stopped again at the Donner Lake Overlook and took these pictures.


In the center of the lower right picture above is a bridge from the old road (US-40). It ran from New York City, NY to San Francisco, CA (just as I-80 does today). Before the mid 1930’s, this route was known as the Lincoln Highway. There are still a couple of bridge rails left from the Lincoln Highway on display at yet another turn-out, but they were buried under snow, so I couldn’t get any pictures this time.
About 5 miles farther along I stopped yet again at a view area for the Truckee River and, you guessed it, took these pictures.


The photograph on the lower left shows the remains of old Rail Road tracks that once went to a mine.
After malingering all the way from Sacremento, it’s time to get to work. But first a stop at the Alamo Truck Stop in Sparks (Reno), NV.



It used to have a good restaurant with a varierty of meals that are not common Truck Stop fare like my 2 favorites, Hamburger Stroganoff (beef stroganoff made with hamburger) and Potatoes Piled High (home fried potatoes with 2 bisquits on top then 2 sausage patties then sausage gravy over all of that then topped off with 2 eggs).
Then it was bought out by the Petro Truck Stop chain.

The quality and variety of the food deteriorated. Now it’s just another Iron Skillet (the Petro chains’ restaurant). Really sad. This seems to be a trend. The family owned Truck Stops are selling out to the Chains. Then the ‘brain-dead bean-counters’ reduce the driver services and ammenities using the ‘cookie-cutter’ corporate formula. We drivers are forced to stop and park there anyway due to the size of our vehicles. However, they do have a nice grassy area to walk the doggies. That’s apropos because what the doggies do there pretty much sums up my opinion of the place since Petro purchased it. The only reason I stop there now is it’s proximity to the Swift Terminal in Sparks.

I left Sparks at 1:30PM and drove the entire length of Nevada to Wendover (about 390 miles) with only 1 ‘doggie stop’ at a truck parking area at the top of Golconda Summit between Winnemucca and Battle Mountain. I arrived at about 8:00PM. The Rainbow, Peppermill, and Montego Bay Cacinos sponsor a really nice Truckers’ Lounge here. They offer free showers to all with a CDL, cable TV and a C-store. It’s a nice place to take a break.


After my shower & and another ‘doggie walk’, I departed Wendover at about 10:00PM and drove to Salt Lake City, UT where I stopped for the night.
1/30/5 (Sunday):
I left Salt Lake at about 10:00AM. My 1st stop was Little America, WY.

It is literally an oasis in the ‘vast wasteland’ that is western Wyoming. It is a full-service Truckstop, Hotel and Restaurant.


After a nice break in Little America, I drove to Laramie (240 miles). I walked the doggies and had a snack and stocked up on ‘junk food’. I left there at about 7:00PM. I drove to North Platte, NE where I stopped for the night.
1/31/05 (Monday):
I left North Platte at about 10:00AM and drove to Omaha, NE. After an hour break there, I drove to Des Moines, IA. From there, I drove to Walcott, IA and the previously mentioned Iowa 80 Truckstop where I stopped for the night.
COMMENTS:
I had a good month, or so it seems. I only had a total of 9 trips this month, but drove 10097 miles loaded and 550 miles empty for a total of 10647 miles. The deadhead percentage was 5.1% which is good. I averaged of 1183 miles per trip, and that is a good average. I had 6 days off, which means that I drove 25 days. I averaged almost 426 miles per day, again a good average when you consider time spent loading, unloading, and awaiting dispatch. Call this one a good month!!

Word Quiz

Here are some questions that will test your knowkledge of the English Language. They are really easier than they seem. Try your luck and e-mail your answers to me.

1) What is the only word in the common English language that ends with the letters mt?

2) What is the only word in the common English language where the F is pronounced as V?

3) Name 3 words in the common English language that contain none of the 5 commonly used vowels.

4) Name 2 words in the common English language that cannot be rhymed.

5) What is the shortest complete sentence in the common English language?
.
How did you do?

Answers:

1) The only word in the common english language that ends with mt is DREAMT. Daydreamt, redreamt, adreamt, and undreamt are others, but their root word is still DREAMT.

2) OF course you knew this one. Again, hereof, thereof, and whereof derive from the root word OF.

3) WHY would I ask this question? THY mind knows the answer. Just catch the RYTHM of this test. The SKY is the limit. MY, if you couldn’t answer this one, go sing a HYMN and pray to the almighty for a brain.

4) ORANGE you glad I asked this question? It’s been a MONTH since I asked it. SILVER, the Lone Rangers’ horse, could answer this one as could the PURPLE People eater.

5) I AM is the shortest sentence in the common English language. Conversely, some say that I DO is the longest sentence in the common English language.

Car Shopping

I approach car shopping just like shopping for anything else. I call it “power shopping”. This means that I have a pretty good idea of what i’m looking for and where to find it. I go there, find it and get out (after paying, of course). The only difference with car shopping is that I have to cruise around different car lots. If I see something that meets my criteria, i’ll stop and check it out. The same was true of my latest car shopping excursion yesterday. I had about $4000.00 to spend and about 4 models that I could live with: 1. Jeep Cherokee (not Grand Cherokee) 2. Volvo Station Wagon 3. Chevy Astrovan and 4. Ford Thunderbird or Mercury Cougar (early 90’s body style). I found a nice Chevy Astrovan at a dealer on Las Vegas Blvd. The price was within limits, but it was blue. I decided to keep looking figuring I could always come back. I cruised around some more and saw a Volvo, but it was a little too expensive, but it was white. I could always come back later if I didn’t find anything better. I cruised again and on Nellis Blvd, I passed a lot with a Jeep Cherokee. It was on the left side of the street, so I had to turn around and go back. I almost missed it. It was just what I was looking for; white, clean and the right price. I looked it over and went in and asked for a test drive to check it out mechanically. After the test drive, I was sold. It idled smoothly, accelerated without hesitation, and rode smoothly. The 4-wheel drive engaged and dis-engaged in both high and low range with no hang-ups and made no unusual noises. I put a deposit down on it and will pick it up tomorow about noon after I get the $$$$ out of the bank. I HAVE WHEELS AGAIN!!
1/26/5: I spent the last few days getting the car Insured, Registered, etc. Here are some pictures of it that I took this AM at the Wild, Wild, West where i’ll park it when i’m away.

Note the license plate number. It sounds like one of those 1-900 numbers you see on those late night info-mercials: “Call 1-900-599-NUDE. Call Now!! Call Now!! (must be 18 or over).” :>} I wanted one that was easy to remember and this certainly is.

I’M A HAPPY CAMPER NOW!!!!!!!!!!

FUNNY STUFF

1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP?? AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it’s not Walter who’s lacking intelligence.

2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS!! Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting, “Please come out and give yourself up.”

3. WHAT WAS PLAN B?? An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.

4. THE GETAWAY!! A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop, and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.

5. DID I SAY THAT?? Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn’t control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words: “Give me all your money or I’ll shoot,” the man shouted, “That’s not what I said!”

6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING?? A man spoke frantically into the phone, “My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!” “Is this her first child?” the doctor asked. “No!” The man shouted, “This is her husband!”

7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED!! In Modesto, California, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket(hellllllooooooo!)

8. CAN YOU SAY “OOPS”?? Last summer, down on Lake Isabella located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, California, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn’t get their brand new 22 ft. boat going. It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power was applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted to a nearby marina, thinking someone there could tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition. The engine ran fine, the out drive went up and down, and the prop was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard. Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer.

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This has got to be one of the best singles ads ever printed. It appeared in The Atlanta Journal…

SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I’m a very good looking girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding around in your convertable with the top down, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. Rub me the right way and watch me respond. I’ll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Kiss me and I’m yours.
Call (404) 875-6420 and ask for Daisy.
Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to the Atlanta Humane Society about an 8-week old black Labrador Retriever Puppy.

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A woman was leaving a convenience store with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind her, a short distance back, were about 200 women walking single file. The woman was so curious that she respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, “I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I have never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?” “My husband’s, said the woman in the procession.” “What happened to him?” the first woman asked? The woman in the procession replied, “My dog attacked and killed him.” The first woman inquired further, “Well, who is in the second hearse?” The woman in the procession answered, “My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her.” A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two women before the first woman asked. “Can I borrow the dog?” The woman in the procession said, “Get in line.”

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An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, “I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.” “Pop, what are you talking about,” the son yells. The old man says.”We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer. We’re sick and tired of each other, and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her.” And he hangs up. Frantic, the son calls his sister, who was equally agitated on the phone. “Like heck they’re getting a divorce,” she shouts. “I’ll take care of this.” She calls Phoenix immediately and yells at her dad, “You are NOT getting divorced! Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then don’t do a thing, do you hear me?” And she hangs up. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife with a smile and says; “They’re coming for Christmas and paying their own way.”

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Words Women Use

Fine:
This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

Five Minutes:
If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

Nothing:
This is the calm before the storm. This means “something” and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with “nothing” usually end in “fine.”

Go Ahead:
This is a dare, not permission, DON’T DO IT!

Loud Sigh:
Although not actually a word, the loud sigh is often misunderstood by men. A “Loud Sigh” means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over “Nothing.”

That’s Okay:
This is one of the most dangerous statements that woman can make to a man. “That’s Okay” means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

Thanks:
This is the least used of all words in the female vocabulary If a woman is thanking you. Do not question it, just say you’re welcome and back out of the room slowly.

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