STRAYCAT’S DOGGONE BLOG

YOGI-ISMS (actual quotes from Yogi Berra)

“It ain’t over till it’s over.”
“This is like deja vu all over again.”
“A nickel isn’t worth a dime today.”
“It gets late early out there.”
“You can observe a lot just by watching.”
“If you come to a fork in the road, take it.”
“Nobody goes there anymore; it’s too crowded.”
“It was impossible to get a conversation going; everybody was talking too much.”
“Half the lies they tell about me aren’t true.”
“The future ain’t what it used to be.”
“You’ve got to be very careful if you don’t know where you’re going, because you might not get there.”
“If you don’t know where you are going, you will wind up somewhere else.”
“I knew I was going to take the wrong train, so I left early.”
“If you can’t imitate him, don’t copy him.”
“You better cut the pizza in four pieces because I’m not hungry enough to eat six.”
“Baseball is 90% mental — the other half is physical.”
“90% of the putts that are short don’t go in.”
“I made a wrong mistake.”
“I always thought that record would stand until it was broken.”
“If the fans don’t come out to the ball park, you can’t stop them.”
“Why buy good luggage? You only use it when you travel.”
“The other teams could make trouble for us if they win.”
“It ain’t the heat; it’s the humility.”
“The towels were so thick there I could hardly close my suitcase.”
“You should always go to other people’s funerals; otherwise, they won’t come to yours.”
“I didn’t really say everything I said.”
“In theory there is no difference between theory and practice. In practice, there is.”
“I think Little League is wonderful. It keeps kids out of the house.”
“I wish had an answer to that because I’m tired of answering that question.”
“If you ask me anything I don’t know, I’m not going to answer.”
“We have deep depth.”
“You wouldn’t have won if we’d beaten you.”

WORDS TO LIVE BY

* Accept that some days you’re the pigeon some days you’re the statue.
* Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.
*Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.
* Drive carefully. It’s not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.
* If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be oblique.
* If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
* It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
* Never buy a car you can’t push.
* Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you won’t have a leg to stand on.
* Nobody cares if you can’t dance well. Just get up and dance.
* Since it’s the early worm that gets eaten by the bird, sleep late.
* The second mouse gets the cheese.
* When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
* Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live.
* You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.
* Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
* We could learn a lot from crayons. Some are sharp, some are pretty and some are dull. Some have weird names, and all are different colors, but they all have to live in the same box.

A PARABLE

Once upon a time, there was a fly who lived on a farm. As he was flying around in the barn one day, he happened upon a pile of fresh cow manure. He began to eat, and eat, and eat, and eat some more until the entire pile was devoured. He then tried to fly away, but alas, he couldn’t. He was too full. He didn’t want to stay there forever, so he looked around the barn and thought for a minute. He saw a pitch-fork leaning against the wall and came up with a plan. He would climb to the top of the handle, then jump off. Once airborne, his wings would keep him aloft. After a long, arduous struggle to the top of the handle he took a deep breath, began flapping his wings, and jumped. The results were disasterous and fatal. His tiny wings could not support the extra weight, and he plummeted to his death.
THE MORAL OF THIS STORY
DONT FLY OFF THE HANDLE WHEN YOU KNOW YOU’RE FULL OF SHIT

Word Quiz

Here are some questions that will test your knowkledge of the English Language. They are really easier than they seem. Try your luck and e-mail your answers to me.

1) What is the only word in the common English language that ends with the letters mt?

2) What is the only word in the common English language where the F is pronounced as V?

3) Name 3 words in the common English language that contain none of the 5 commonly used vowels.

4) Name 2 words in the common English language that cannot be rhymed.

5) What is the shortest complete sentence in the common English language?
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How did you do?

Answers:

1) The only word in the common english language that ends with mt is DREAMT. Daydreamt, redreamt, adreamt, and undreamt are others, but their root word is still DREAMT.

2) OF course you knew this one. Again, hereof, thereof, and whereof derive from the root word OF.

3) WHY would I ask this question? THY mind knows the answer. Just catch the RYTHM of this test. The SKY is the limit. MY, if you couldn’t answer this one, go sing a HYMN and pray to the almighty for a brain.

4) ORANGE you glad I asked this question? It’s been a MONTH since I asked it. SILVER, the Lone Rangers’ horse, could answer this one as could the PURPLE People eater.

5) I AM is the shortest sentence in the common English language. Conversely, some say that I DO is the longest sentence in the common English language.

FUNNY STUFF

1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP?? AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it’s not Walter who’s lacking intelligence.

2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS!! Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting, “Please come out and give yourself up.”

3. WHAT WAS PLAN B?? An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.

4. THE GETAWAY!! A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop, and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.

5. DID I SAY THAT?? Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn’t control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words: “Give me all your money or I’ll shoot,” the man shouted, “That’s not what I said!”

6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING?? A man spoke frantically into the phone, “My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!” “Is this her first child?” the doctor asked. “No!” The man shouted, “This is her husband!”

7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED!! In Modesto, California, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket(hellllllooooooo!)

8. CAN YOU SAY “OOPS”?? Last summer, down on Lake Isabella located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, California, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn’t get their brand new 22 ft. boat going. It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power was applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted to a nearby marina, thinking someone there could tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition. The engine ran fine, the out drive went up and down, and the prop was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard. Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer.

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This has got to be one of the best singles ads ever printed. It appeared in The Atlanta Journal…

SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I’m a very good looking girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding around in your convertable with the top down, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. Rub me the right way and watch me respond. I’ll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Kiss me and I’m yours.
Call (404) 875-6420 and ask for Daisy.
Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to the Atlanta Humane Society about an 8-week old black Labrador Retriever Puppy.

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A woman was leaving a convenience store with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind her, a short distance back, were about 200 women walking single file. The woman was so curious that she respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, “I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I have never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?” “My husband’s, said the woman in the procession.” “What happened to him?” the first woman asked? The woman in the procession replied, “My dog attacked and killed him.” The first woman inquired further, “Well, who is in the second hearse?” The woman in the procession answered, “My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her.” A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two women before the first woman asked. “Can I borrow the dog?” The woman in the procession said, “Get in line.”

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An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, “I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.” “Pop, what are you talking about,” the son yells. The old man says.”We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer. We’re sick and tired of each other, and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her.” And he hangs up. Frantic, the son calls his sister, who was equally agitated on the phone. “Like heck they’re getting a divorce,” she shouts. “I’ll take care of this.” She calls Phoenix immediately and yells at her dad, “You are NOT getting divorced! Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then don’t do a thing, do you hear me?” And she hangs up. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife with a smile and says; “They’re coming for Christmas and paying their own way.”

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Words Women Use

Fine:
This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

Five Minutes:
If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

Nothing:
This is the calm before the storm. This means “something” and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with “nothing” usually end in “fine.”

Go Ahead:
This is a dare, not permission, DON’T DO IT!

Loud Sigh:
Although not actually a word, the loud sigh is often misunderstood by men. A “Loud Sigh” means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over “Nothing.”

That’s Okay:
This is one of the most dangerous statements that woman can make to a man. “That’s Okay” means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

Thanks:
This is the least used of all words in the female vocabulary If a woman is thanking you. Do not question it, just say you’re welcome and back out of the room slowly.

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